esc

hollow of lies

is it wrong of me to manipulate people into loving me so I can have a friend? as long as they never know I can't feel love, will they just go along with it unsuspecting? all I feel in relationships is friendship, and sometimes a desire for sex. what is the missing third element? do some people really feel undying romantic love for their partners that isn't based on false perceptions and ideals papier-mached over their actual form? I have been a pinata for other people in the past; they have tried to beat me into the shape they desired. now I don't deal with that, but I still feel hollow. there is no reward inside of me for anyone else. I am not a husk, but everything inside me is for my own use and consumption. there is nothing left for others. and when I try to give it to them it feels forced, meaningless. Without relationships, though, my life feels somewhat empty as if i am blinnking through space feeling acutely the distance I have to travel to reach the nearest hospitable planet.